The 3 “Traps” That Can Kill Your Chances Of Ever Turning Your Relationship Around There are 3 big traps women fall into when things in their relationship aren’t working.
Dangerous Trap #1:
Taking Over For Him When Things Aren’t Working
Women can and should be assertive in their lives.It’s not a turn-off.It’s attractive, it’s natural, and it’s part of a woman’s power.Men appreciate and worship confidence, assertiveness and women who carry high self-esteem.Don’t ever be fooled into thinking otherwise.But when a relationship is in jeopardy, and you’re in that place where the littlest things seem to set off big issues inside your relationship… it’s not so simple.Ever since the 1960s and the women’s liberation movement, women have felt more empowered to be more assertive in all their relationships, not just in their marriages or love affairs.Chances are, you grew up hearing messages from the media, from friends, from books and magazines that it’s important to BE ASSERTIVE and speak your mind about what you’re feeling and what you need.It’s important to ask for what you want, or else how can you ever get what you want?Despite this, there may have been times you felt a little “put down” or taken for granted in your job or with your friends or family. And it’s probably likely there have been times you haven’t felt heard or appreciated in your relationship, either.For example…Your man is doing or saying something that is causing you a great deal of stress or frustration, and it’s driving you crazy.Let’s say the lawn is starting to look really bushy, he still hasn’t looked at the broken sink, and meanwhile he seems to be “wasting” a lot of a good Saturday morning messing around on the computer.You tell yourself that you need to assert yourself and simply tell him what he needs to do, or what you want.So you say something like, “You really need to mow the lawn today instead of sitting around in front of the computer all day. I’m sick of doing everything around here.”Let me ask you this – has that kind of assertiveness ever gotten you exactly what you wanted from a man?Did he jump right to it, kiss you tenderly on the cheek and tell you, “no problem, hon, I’ll do it right now.”I didn’t think so.It’s not wrong to ask and assert what you want.It’s how you assert yourself.This way of being assertive above tends to SHUT MEN DOWN, and it often builds hostility in men instead of diffusing it. And that’s because you are acting in a way that he perceives as being MASCULINE, and for him, that is an instant turn-off.Have you lost touch with your natural feminine energy?This is an energy you already hold inside of you. It has the power to pull a man a man closer to you and make him want to BE the man you need him to be.Because your man’s natural reaction to your feminine energy is for him to become more masculine, which is what will lead him back into being the man who loves you and leads the way forward for you both in your relationship.It’s this feminine energy that has the amazing power to CAPTIVATE a man, make him feel great, and make him want to do anything for you.In fact, it’s this that will have him ASKING and BEGGING to see what else he can do for you.Mature, strong feminine energy does NOT nag, “mother,” boss around, criticize or feel frustrated all the time.Exerting your natural feminine energy means being very open and honest – and I mean RADICALLY honest – with what you really want, feel and need, way deep down.So if you realize that you’ve been caught in this dangerous trap, don’t worry.
Dangerous Trap #2:
Asking for Advice From Friends and Family
Your man has done or said something that has really made you outraged or depressed.What’s the first thing you do when you’re alone?If you’re like most women, you’ll probably pick up the phone and call a friend to tell her about it.You’ll want to tell her about every single thing that was said, and what you thought and felt, because you’ll want to know from her what she thinks you should do.You’ll want to feel validated for feeling outraged or depressed.You want your friend to tell you that you’re RIGHT to feel angry or depressed, and that your man is a JERK for treating you that way.If this sounds like something you’ve done hundreds of times before, and if you probably also know that most of the “validation” and advice you’ve gotten from friends and family over the years has amounted to very little in the form of actual HELP for your situation.This is also a common trap that many women fall into when trying to save their relationship.They believe that they’ll feel better and get sound, positive advice from their friends or family if they can explain the situation in a way where they’ll be understood.But here’s the thing…No one will ever be as honest with you as you are with yourself.Your friends won’t tell you what it is they REALLY see, because they don’t want to make you feel WORSE than you’re already feeling.Your friends also can’t really know the nitty-gritty of how you and your man relate to one another, because 99% of the time they’re not there.Your friends probably haven’t had the insight and expertise to know what it really takes to make a relationship work for YOU and your man… so a lot of their advice may be leading you in the WRONG DIRECTION.Like, they may be telling you to LEAVE, when it’s possible all you have to do is a few small things to save your relationship and get it back on track.The danger here is that when you believe your friends or family when they give you “blanket” advice about what a jerk your guy is or how you should leave, all you’re doing is letting their biases affect your own good judgment of what is best for you.Don’t let this happen.
Dangerous Trap #3:
Not Sharing Your Hurt Feelings or Sharing Them Outside Your Relationship
I want to ask you a question and I want you to be very honest with yourself when you answer.Have you shared ALL of your hurt feelings and innermost secret needs with your boyfriend or husband?Have you admitted to him how much it hurts when he ignores you, or isn’t as affectionate or sexually attracted to you as he used to be?Have you told him how you feel about YOURSELF and how that’s affecting your relationship with him?Have you shared how it feels when he rejects you, or puts you down, or gets cold on you?Or have you instead said things like, “I can’t stand it anymore,” “You’re driving me insane,” or “Sometimes I just feel like I want to leave”?Or even worse, maybe you’re just THINKING those things and letting them fester inside you, while on the outside, you are winning the Academy Award for Best Actress pretending like nothing is bothering you.Is your guy a mind-reader?If your man doesn’t know what you’re really feeling and wanting, how in the world is he supposed to understand you and try to make things better?Telling a man “I can’t stand it anymore” is NOT the same as telling him, “I feel very abandoned and lonely because you haven’t been as physically affectionate with me as you used to be. It makes me feel unattractive and it hurts.”Here’s another trap you might have fallen into.Maybe instead of telling your boyfriend or husband how much you need him to find you attractive or sexy and cherish you the way he used to, you’re turning to ANOTHER MAN for validation that you’re attractive and loveable.It’s so very easy (and dangerous) to complain about your relationship to another man… an ex-boyfriend, someone you met on the Internet, a co-worker, a friend.It’s easy because it’s SAFE to share your hurt feelings with someone other than the person who hurt you.It’s DANGEROUS because it builds a false kind of intimacy with someone outside of your relationship… and all that does is KILL the intimacy between you and your man even more.Don’t go there if you ever want to get back the love and passion in your marriage or relationship.Turning to another man for the attention, affection or validation you need is never going to put you on the right track to getting what you need. It may even create MORE PROBLEMS within your own relationship… problems that aren’t so easy to solve or overcome.Just imagine how it is when you’re free from worrying how your boyfriend will react when you open up and are honest with him.Imagine what it’s going to be like when the things you say and do continue to bring you closer and closer together… even when things are at their hardest.Imagine the confidence and joy you’ll feel knowing that it’s not just you who’s holding things together… but your relationship shines so bright for you and the man you’re with that you both can’t help but stay intensely devoted, passionate and caring.It’s time you finally had this.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
4 Signs You’ve “Lost Yourself”
Here are 4 of the signs you’ve “lost” yourself inside your relationship:
Sign #1: You lose touch with your friends and family.
Remember how much fun you used to having meeting up with friends for a drink after work, or maybe going to dinner or shopping with your mom, your sister or your friends on the weekend?
But now you hardly have any time for this, let alone time for the things you used to enjoy doing just you and your friends and loved ones.
It seems that your life is filled with work (both around the house and/or outside of the house), chores, kids, to-do lists, driving around town doing errands and trying to keep everyone at home happy.
Sign #2: You stop paying attention to how you look and feel.
There was probably a time when you felt really GREAT about how you looked and took a lot of pride in presenting your “best self” to the world.
But now you’ve stopped exercising or eating well as you used to.
You just don’t seem to have the time, or energy, to care.
You don’t sleep well and the only criteria you have these days for your wardrobe is COMFORT.
And most of this deep down is because you don’t feel all that great about yourself because of how your relationship is making you feel.
Sign #3: You feel like your life is passing you by.
You used to feel so ALIVE and enthusiastic about life! Not these days. These days life feels very… hard, somehow. You’ve given so much emotionally to your man or your family that you’re losing the ability to know what YOU want or what YOU feel.
You used to have so many dreams and hopes about the future and about your life together. Now the thought of facing a future of more of the same kinds of problems with your relationship makes you feel DEFLATED.
You are no longer sure about the reason for that vague sense of discontent that seems to fill your life, either. It could be the strained relationship with your man.
Or it could be something else.
Since you’re unable to know what’s really going on deep in your heart, you become unable to be deeply honest with your man. You’re so drained by worrying about the relationship and giving so much emotionally, that you never get to the CORE of what’s really going on and what you need.
Tell me if this sounds familiar to you…
You may tell him something like,
“You’ve been working too much lately and you’re never home,” instead of saying what you’re REALLY experiencing deep-down, which is…
“I’m stressed out and feeling lonely and disconnected from you, and it scares me.”
The deeper level of honesty behind what you’re experiencing is that you’re feeling abandoned and frightened, but when you’re unable to truly tap into your feelings because you have lost touch with them, you will blame and criticize instead of just being completely open about what the real problem is.
Sign #4: You’re making excuses for everything and everyone.
Another tell-tale sign that you’ve lost yourself is realizing that you may have been making excuses for problems that are coming up in your life or in the relationship.
Maybe your husband has been saying rude and condescending things to you lately, or lashing out in anger, and you excuse it in your mind by telling yourself that he’s “stressed” or “having a bad day.”
But you know that you can only excuse things for so long before you run out of excuses and have to face reality.
Or maybe you’re making excuses for other problems in your life, like if you’re gaining weight.
You know you’re not as fit as you could be, but instead of being honest with yourself about this you tell yourself that you “don’t have time” to exercise and eat right… even though this was a priority BEFORE you met your man, even when you had as much going on in your life (or more) than you have right now.
The inability to be radically honest with yourself and making excuses is symptomatic of one thing: that you’re not in touch with who you really are at the core, and what it is you really need in order to feel happy and fulfilled.
You’re giving TOO MUCH to the relationship, and you’re neglecting yourself in the process.
You’re out of touch with your own needs…
You’re out of touch with what makes you really happy…
You’re out of touch with that strong, powerful woman you once used to be (but who is still in there, just waiting for you to acknowledge her)…
And here’s the worst effect of all: By losing yourself in the relationship you’re out of touch with your own NATURAL ABILITY to bring your man closer to you.
Sign #1: You lose touch with your friends and family.
Remember how much fun you used to having meeting up with friends for a drink after work, or maybe going to dinner or shopping with your mom, your sister or your friends on the weekend?
But now you hardly have any time for this, let alone time for the things you used to enjoy doing just you and your friends and loved ones.
It seems that your life is filled with work (both around the house and/or outside of the house), chores, kids, to-do lists, driving around town doing errands and trying to keep everyone at home happy.
Sign #2: You stop paying attention to how you look and feel.
There was probably a time when you felt really GREAT about how you looked and took a lot of pride in presenting your “best self” to the world.
But now you’ve stopped exercising or eating well as you used to.
You just don’t seem to have the time, or energy, to care.
You don’t sleep well and the only criteria you have these days for your wardrobe is COMFORT.
And most of this deep down is because you don’t feel all that great about yourself because of how your relationship is making you feel.
Sign #3: You feel like your life is passing you by.
You used to feel so ALIVE and enthusiastic about life! Not these days. These days life feels very… hard, somehow. You’ve given so much emotionally to your man or your family that you’re losing the ability to know what YOU want or what YOU feel.
You used to have so many dreams and hopes about the future and about your life together. Now the thought of facing a future of more of the same kinds of problems with your relationship makes you feel DEFLATED.
You are no longer sure about the reason for that vague sense of discontent that seems to fill your life, either. It could be the strained relationship with your man.
Or it could be something else.
Since you’re unable to know what’s really going on deep in your heart, you become unable to be deeply honest with your man. You’re so drained by worrying about the relationship and giving so much emotionally, that you never get to the CORE of what’s really going on and what you need.
Tell me if this sounds familiar to you…
You may tell him something like,
“You’ve been working too much lately and you’re never home,” instead of saying what you’re REALLY experiencing deep-down, which is…
“I’m stressed out and feeling lonely and disconnected from you, and it scares me.”
The deeper level of honesty behind what you’re experiencing is that you’re feeling abandoned and frightened, but when you’re unable to truly tap into your feelings because you have lost touch with them, you will blame and criticize instead of just being completely open about what the real problem is.
Sign #4: You’re making excuses for everything and everyone.
Another tell-tale sign that you’ve lost yourself is realizing that you may have been making excuses for problems that are coming up in your life or in the relationship.
Maybe your husband has been saying rude and condescending things to you lately, or lashing out in anger, and you excuse it in your mind by telling yourself that he’s “stressed” or “having a bad day.”
But you know that you can only excuse things for so long before you run out of excuses and have to face reality.
Or maybe you’re making excuses for other problems in your life, like if you’re gaining weight.
You know you’re not as fit as you could be, but instead of being honest with yourself about this you tell yourself that you “don’t have time” to exercise and eat right… even though this was a priority BEFORE you met your man, even when you had as much going on in your life (or more) than you have right now.
The inability to be radically honest with yourself and making excuses is symptomatic of one thing: that you’re not in touch with who you really are at the core, and what it is you really need in order to feel happy and fulfilled.
You’re giving TOO MUCH to the relationship, and you’re neglecting yourself in the process.
You’re out of touch with your own needs…
You’re out of touch with what makes you really happy…
You’re out of touch with that strong, powerful woman you once used to be (but who is still in there, just waiting for you to acknowledge her)…
And here’s the worst effect of all: By losing yourself in the relationship you’re out of touch with your own NATURAL ABILITY to bring your man closer to you.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Problem with girls
#1; they expect you to take the first step in the relationship even when you don't knoe she admires you
#2; when you have not spent on her,it doesn't seem you are serious with her,but when you do,she tags you her fool
#3; when you want to spend on her,she will heap all her burden on you,but when you are tied,you are stingy
she enjoys cheating on you but fumes when you exchange a mere plesantry with another lady(Guys do the same)
#4; when you tell her lies,she will never trust you again but when she tells you lies,she was simply pulling your legs
#5; when you propose to her,you are never believed until the moment you exchange fake or real vows at the alter
#6; they can never trust you because they don't trust themselves
#2; when you have not spent on her,it doesn't seem you are serious with her,but when you do,she tags you her fool
#3; when you want to spend on her,she will heap all her burden on you,but when you are tied,you are stingy
she enjoys cheating on you but fumes when you exchange a mere plesantry with another lady(Guys do the same)
#4; when you tell her lies,she will never trust you again but when she tells you lies,she was simply pulling your legs
#5; when you propose to her,you are never believed until the moment you exchange fake or real vows at the alter
#6; they can never trust you because they don't trust themselves
broken hearted
it seems to her a dream
her heart was shattered and confused
tears flowed like a river at its youth course
her eyes became swollen like a mourner
she never believedit could happen to her
more and harder she pressed,pushed and prayed
then again t sounded to her ears
its over between us
oh! why me
oh! why now
oh! why at this moment
oh! why over now
her love was still fresh like the honey
she could kill no ant
her trust so sincere
butter can't melt in her mouth
there and then
her eyes opened wider to face reality
and it now downed on her
he had gone to come back no more
she got up to
to face the reality before her
when she still have some pride
so she wished him;"Hell On Earth"
How Can Turning It Around Be So Easy?
If Your Relationship Seems So Hard Right Now… How Can Turning It Around Be So Easy? I want you to know 3 things.3 Truths to be exact.
Truth #1: Who’s To Blame
I want you to know that if you’ve been giving it your all to try and find love and make it work…And if you still feel like things aren’t working for you…You should know that it’s not all your fault. And, so we’re clear, it’s not all his fault either. Neither of you are to blame here for trying to be together and hitting some waves. Odds are you’ve ended up focusing your heart and mind on making things better in your relationship when they don’t feel like they’re working. But I hope that, unlike many other person, this hasn’t taken you away from the relaxed, confident and fun-loving person you used to be who your man/woman was attracted and drawn to in the first place. Where is this woman?Has she gotten a little lost in your relationship?If in thinking back you see that maybe you’ve let some of your fears and anxieties about the future stand in the way of you really opening up and loving as deeply and as purely as you know you can in the “NOW”… then you’ve got your first clue.
The question is… what are you going to do about it? Are you going to stay shut down, and keep closing off to love even though you don’t mean to? Or are you going to take a few simple steps that will change everything and bring your man’s love back to you? Here’s something you might not have really considered in all of this…If you’re feeling like everything is such a struggle, yet you’re trying your hardest…How do you think he’s feeling? When he pulls away from you is he really unaffected by you and just avoiding things and feeling nothing? Want to know what he’s feeling? I’ll tell you. He’s feeling it too…. whether he’s talking about it or not. He just has a different way of trying to deal with the pain and frustration that’s coming from you both not being able to connect and make things work the way they used to. He feels it, too. More than you might imagine.
Truth #2: He Cares, Even If He Doesn’t Show It
What’s the thing your man is most likely to do when things aren’t working?
You don’t have to tell me- I already know. When things don’t feel like they’re working… even if you’re man is going through the motions with you, he’s just not really PRESENT. It’s like he’s empty emotionally, and there’s no way to get him to engage with you and pay attention. Let alone be truly loving and affectionate. And what do most women do when this starts happening? They make the mistake of getting upset and looking to HIM for answers. Ummm… big mistake. Let me be the one to break it to you
He DOESN’T KNOW what’s happening, or why. So asking him what’s wrong and trying to show him what you see is never going to help things for you, or for him. A man can’t tell you what he needs because he often doesn’t know what it is he’s feeling himself, or why he’s feeling it. He just feels the way he feels, and the only thing he knows is that he’s not feeling the same kind of energy from you as when you were feeling more connected and happy together. And around and around you go- feeding off each others’ reactions to the other’s frustrations. In short, he doesn’t know what to do with the feelings your having… and he doesn’t know what to do with how this is making him act and feel. So what’s the worse thing you can do here?
Right- to keep getting upset and look to him for answers he doesn’t have for you. Don’t keep falling into that rut.
Truth #3: Your Ability To Love Can Overwhelm You
Do you sometimes feel like his MOTHER instead of his lover? Not fun for you. And it’s not like doing his laundry makes him feel passionate and attracted. Maybe you grew up believing that the more you GIVE to a relationship the more you GET in return. Makes sense right? The more effort you put into something, the more you get back. Well, it doesn’t work this way in troubled relationships. In fact, when things aren’t working, and your attempts to “fix” things only make things worse… the opposite ends up being true. It’s great to be a helpful and generous partner- but ultimately these things don’t end up mattering if you don’t have what’s really important working for you. If you ever find yourself GIVING…GIVING… GIVING and not getting much back… you’ve probably run into this. The hard part about this is that our partner SHOULD feel and appreciate the love you’re giving with all the things you do for him… but he often doesn’t. And when these things both leave you feeling OVERWHELMED, and they don’t even get you much love or appreciate back in return… it starts to feel like a waste of time. This dead end of giving, feeling drained, and then wanting to STOP GIVING and being frustrated with your man isn’t helping you or him. But this can only stop if you’re ready to let go, and if you’re ready to stop giving so much that you feel drained… and you know it’s time for you to start RECEIVING. If you don’t start finding a way to find and feel the love that your relationship is really all about, then it’s all going to be for nothing.
Truth #1: Who’s To Blame
I want you to know that if you’ve been giving it your all to try and find love and make it work…And if you still feel like things aren’t working for you…You should know that it’s not all your fault. And, so we’re clear, it’s not all his fault either. Neither of you are to blame here for trying to be together and hitting some waves. Odds are you’ve ended up focusing your heart and mind on making things better in your relationship when they don’t feel like they’re working. But I hope that, unlike many other person, this hasn’t taken you away from the relaxed, confident and fun-loving person you used to be who your man/woman was attracted and drawn to in the first place. Where is this woman?Has she gotten a little lost in your relationship?If in thinking back you see that maybe you’ve let some of your fears and anxieties about the future stand in the way of you really opening up and loving as deeply and as purely as you know you can in the “NOW”… then you’ve got your first clue.
The question is… what are you going to do about it? Are you going to stay shut down, and keep closing off to love even though you don’t mean to? Or are you going to take a few simple steps that will change everything and bring your man’s love back to you? Here’s something you might not have really considered in all of this…If you’re feeling like everything is such a struggle, yet you’re trying your hardest…How do you think he’s feeling? When he pulls away from you is he really unaffected by you and just avoiding things and feeling nothing? Want to know what he’s feeling? I’ll tell you. He’s feeling it too…. whether he’s talking about it or not. He just has a different way of trying to deal with the pain and frustration that’s coming from you both not being able to connect and make things work the way they used to. He feels it, too. More than you might imagine.
Truth #2: He Cares, Even If He Doesn’t Show It
What’s the thing your man is most likely to do when things aren’t working?
You don’t have to tell me- I already know. When things don’t feel like they’re working… even if you’re man is going through the motions with you, he’s just not really PRESENT. It’s like he’s empty emotionally, and there’s no way to get him to engage with you and pay attention. Let alone be truly loving and affectionate. And what do most women do when this starts happening? They make the mistake of getting upset and looking to HIM for answers. Ummm… big mistake. Let me be the one to break it to you
He DOESN’T KNOW what’s happening, or why. So asking him what’s wrong and trying to show him what you see is never going to help things for you, or for him. A man can’t tell you what he needs because he often doesn’t know what it is he’s feeling himself, or why he’s feeling it. He just feels the way he feels, and the only thing he knows is that he’s not feeling the same kind of energy from you as when you were feeling more connected and happy together. And around and around you go- feeding off each others’ reactions to the other’s frustrations. In short, he doesn’t know what to do with the feelings your having… and he doesn’t know what to do with how this is making him act and feel. So what’s the worse thing you can do here?
Right- to keep getting upset and look to him for answers he doesn’t have for you. Don’t keep falling into that rut.
Truth #3: Your Ability To Love Can Overwhelm You
Do you sometimes feel like his MOTHER instead of his lover? Not fun for you. And it’s not like doing his laundry makes him feel passionate and attracted. Maybe you grew up believing that the more you GIVE to a relationship the more you GET in return. Makes sense right? The more effort you put into something, the more you get back. Well, it doesn’t work this way in troubled relationships. In fact, when things aren’t working, and your attempts to “fix” things only make things worse… the opposite ends up being true. It’s great to be a helpful and generous partner- but ultimately these things don’t end up mattering if you don’t have what’s really important working for you. If you ever find yourself GIVING…GIVING… GIVING and not getting much back… you’ve probably run into this. The hard part about this is that our partner SHOULD feel and appreciate the love you’re giving with all the things you do for him… but he often doesn’t. And when these things both leave you feeling OVERWHELMED, and they don’t even get you much love or appreciate back in return… it starts to feel like a waste of time. This dead end of giving, feeling drained, and then wanting to STOP GIVING and being frustrated with your man isn’t helping you or him. But this can only stop if you’re ready to let go, and if you’re ready to stop giving so much that you feel drained… and you know it’s time for you to start RECEIVING. If you don’t start finding a way to find and feel the love that your relationship is really all about, then it’s all going to be for nothing.
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